Do Not Wake The Sleeping Princess
by K.S. O'Neill
"Don't do it," he said, squinting at me across the tiny, smoky fire, enjoying lecturing his new squire.
"Rule number one. Don't wake 'em up. Bloody nutters they are, every sleeping princess in the world. Poisoning wells, torturing kittens, calling up demons, they're all mad. Family has 'em asleep for a reason, don't they? Make a show for the crowd, but don't do it."
He kept squinting, and I realized the blind old fool couldn't see a thing through the smoke.
"Well then... what do we do?" I asked as I brought him his goblet of spiced wine.
"What do we do? Provide a bit of entertainment, don't we? Festivals like this are the high point of a bloody little hillside kingdom's whole economic year, innit? Come from miles around, they do, to watch the tournament and see if the winner's kiss can wake the princess.
"Now," he continued, slugging his wine, "The tournament. There's an arrangement, d'ye see? They'll be a dozen, maybe twenty Knights at this festival."
"And we have to fight them?"
"Crowd's got to get its money's worth, innit? Tomorrow night we'll be at the Troll & Woodsman, little pub in the village. All the chaps will be there. They'll be a workup, d'ye see? Who fights who, draw straws for the winner, arrange how the purse gets split."
"The tournament's fixed?" I strove to sound shocked.
"Fixed? Well, it's arranged. See, first we play a bit of the tinker's game," and he tapped the hilt of his sword. "Now Clicker here, she's never so much as harmed a fly. Dull as a stick, light as a birch branch. But still, better to get two or three whacks in and then drop her and get to the clinch. "
He droned on and on, and I finally couldn't take it.
"Have you ever?" I asked. "Waked one, I mean?"
He stopped and looked somber. "Oh, aye. I buggered it. Few years back, when my eyes started to go. I pulled the long straw at the workup, and Black Robert O'Bedlam let me toss him a mile into a hay bale in the big finale." He shook his head sadly. "Missed the bloody hay bale I did, too. Broke his bloody collarbone. Bad day all round.
"Any rate, I went in to pretend to kiss her, as y'do, and I bumped the bloody bed with me knee. Of course any little bump will wake them, they're just asleep, you have to be bloody careful."
"What did you do?"
