Dear Jezzy: Trouble with Trolls
by Sarina Dorie
The Paranormal Tribune, May 2, 1974
Dear Jezzy,
I act like a normal enough troll. I excel at crushing humans under boulders, partake of the Saturday goat soup special, and make a pretty penny collecting tolls at bridges; but if any of the other trolls knew what I was deep down, I'd be shunned. I'd be considered a pariah because I am not interested in she-trolls. I realized this about a year ago when I left my mountain post for a trip to REI to check out the latest outdoor gear sale. I bumped into a satyr and he started a friendly conversation.
I kept thinking, "Wow, now that's some tail!" Naturally, being a troll and not one to hang out with goat-men, I tried to get him out of my mind. Goats and trolls have a long history of not getting along.
Still, I couldn't stop thinking about the satyr. I kept fantasizing about his brawny goat legs and hairy chest. And his horns... those just made me, well, never mind. He is supposed to be my enemy, but when I think about eating him, well, all these naughty ideas start to fill my head and I'm left panting and hungry for his love.
I'm ashamed to admit I went to REI several more times, hoping to run into this hottie, and last week he was there! He asked me out on a date--well, maybe it wasn't a date. It was coffee. I had such a good time and I think he did, too. I asked him when we could meet again. He wants to come see my bridge. I don't know. What if the other trolls find out? What if I try to put the moves on him and he just wanted to be friends?
--Troubled Troll
Dear Troubled,
Coming out of the cave is a big move, especially when your love interest is a different species. One thing to consider is that times are changing. Trolls and goats don't have to be separated by the racial divide you once were. If it makes you sleep any easier at night, a satyr is only half-goat. And from what I understand, male-male and female-female relationships aren't that rare in the troll community. In fact, I hear there are quite a few male-tree stump, male-unicorn, and male-gnome relationships in the troll community as well. There are support communities out there for trolls who have non-traditional love interests. Consider joining one of these to broaden your network of friends.
