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Ten Secret Things You Don't Know About Closet Monster

Susan Taitel would like you to believe that she knows how to write a pithy author bio. If that does not sound plausible maybe you could be convinced that she is from Chicago and would like to write a pithy author bio but will settle for a dryly amusing author bio. However if that is too much of a stretch, you could consider that she lives in Minnesota and never breaks into a cold sweat at the words "author bio." If you are foolish enough to believe that, you can find more of her lies in Cast of Wonders, Galaxy's Edge Magazine, and Cossmass Infinities as well as on her website susantaitel.com.

1. You are not Closet Monster's first victim. Closet Monster has terrorized scores of other children before you. And will frighten many more after you. You are not special; Closet Monster will scare you too.
2. Closet Monster is acclaimed in the monster community. They are a rising star, with a bright future ahead of them. Closet Monster always exceeds expectations. Closet Mon-- no Closet Monster doesn't have any snacks.
3. Closet Monster has a vacation coming up. It has been a very long time since they had any time off. Closet Monster is looking forward to a little "me time." They would appreciate it if you would get with the program because their deposit is not refundable.
4. Closet Monster is not in this for the money.
5. Closet Monster makes very little money actually. They are still paying off a student loan and are counting on their Five Hundredth Spooked Child bonus to carry them to the end of the year. Okay, fine; Closet Monster will get you a glass of water.
6. Closet Monster thought this was going to be easier.
7. Is it the teeth? Closet Monster can make them sharper. What about glowing eyes? How do you feel about clowns? Or-- you drew a picture of Closet Monster?
8. It is perfect. Closet Monster loves-- don't pick at that scab, it could get infected. Sit still, this will only sting for a second. Closet Monster is sorry but they couldn't find the Paw Patrol Band-aids.
9. Yes! Closet Monster can tell you a story, but it will be scary.
10. All right, only a little scary. A little. Yes, pinky promise only a teeny tiny bit scary. Just let Closet Monster have this, okay?
The End
This story was first published on Thursday, September 10th, 2020

Author Comments

I got the title by typing the words "closet monster" into a random title generator. The voice of Closet Monster was already so strong that the first few bullet points almost wrote themselves. But it took figuring out who Closet Monster was talking to to make the story come together.

- Susan Taitel
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