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Galactic Weather Report

Julia lives with her beloved projects, including a shy sewing table and a spunky sail boat. They get along well with her Mandarin and Spanish language books, travel memorabilia, and engineering texts. Her souvenirs hail from 20 different countries, all of which Julia has visited so she can give them a forever home in Seattle or wherever she lives next.

This Monday, the speed of light is expected to decrease by ninety percent. We've issued a travel warning and recommend that interstellar travel only commence if there are no other options. If necessary, please proceed through specially designated wormholes. Fortunately, gravity will decrease by a balmy ten percent, so it's looking to be a great week on your home planet.
On Tuesday, travel warnings remain in effect, but the electron and proton charges are expected to increase three percent. Expect stronger kinetics and flashier chemistry.
Wednesday's night sky will provide a dazzling display as dark matter mass shifts from several thousand years ago contract the spiral of the Milky Way. Then, in an astounding reversal of astronomical constants, dark matter's mass decreases and the universe begins expanding again. Depending on speed of light shifts, we're expecting the start of this spectacular display to begin around nine pm, local time.
On Thursday, a shift in the uncertainty constant will allow certain people to briefly blink from high-energy states to lower ones. If this happens to you, do not be alarmed. Merely climb back up the stairs to wherever you were before the shift arose. If stuck between floors, don't panic. These states always reverse themselves.
Friday is expected to be calm, with a slight chance of entropic reversals.
Although the outlook for Saturday is still unclear, our highest probability estimates point to light speed increasing to ten times its normal state. Travel will be rapid and highly advised if you've been planning a trip to a nearby star with that special someone.
Sunday is fair, with sunny skies and a light breeze.
The End
This story was first published on Thursday, March 10th, 2016
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