Observations Made in the Science Fiction Section at the Local Bookstore
by Kurt Newton
1. In the future, all women are beautiful and have large breasts.
2. In the future, all men appear to have everything under control, even when facing down a monstrous alien creature or careening through an interdimensional wormhole.
3. In the future, things are way more colorful than they are now.
4. In the future, there will be incredibly large space vessels with hardly anyone on them.
5. In the future, nobody smokes.
6. In the future, machines turn against us.
7. In the future, nature turns against us.
8. In the future, just about everything will fly.
9. In the future, squirrels will organize--and turn against us.
10. In the future, all clothing will be made of one metallic substance or another.
11. In the future, people will be able to live in giant mushroom houses.
12. In the future, giant mushrooms will tire of people treating them like condos--and turn against them.
13. In the future, buildings will be magnificently sculpted structures that appear to defy economic feasibility, architectural common sense, and the forces of gravity.
14. In the future, babies will be grown in hydroponic gardens like watermelons.
15. In the future, another sun will enter our solar system and summer baseball games will be twice as long.
16. In the future, there's no such thing as "in the future."
17. In the future, aliens will look a lot like crocodiles or grizzly bears, but will be a lot more technologically advanced.
18. In the future, dinosaurs will return through a tear in the space-time continuum, and man will drop from #1 on the food chain to #217.
19. In the future, robots will become an integral part of society, and will one day be treated as equals--until they turn against us.
20. In the future (because just about everything has turned against us), humanity will be saved by launching a series of space arks--great, self-sustaining floating cities--designed to leave our solar system in search of another Earth... despite the inherent improbability of how such a politically charged and astronomically expensive endeavor could be achieved when just about everything has turned against us.
The End
This story was first published on Monday, February 3rd, 2020
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