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So you're the new model, an HV320. May I call you HV? The humans call me Robo-butler 5000, but my friends call me Rob.
I was watching you with your suction control and motorized brush working the floor earlier. I saw you coax that cat hair out of the shag carpet like a natural. With all your state-of-the-art settings and my deluxe features, we'd make a cute couple. No, I'm not just saying that. I want to get down with you, girl.
No, don't leave! That's not what I mean. It's not just about electrical exchange for me. I want a vacuum for her personality, too. Those complicated algorithms you used earlier to maneuver around the humans were impressive. Ever since I first laid my laser on your sleek, chrome exterior and Hepa filtration system, I knew I wanted you to rev up your motor for me. I can't stop thinking about that sweet, little power cord retracting in and out. And that cyclonic action makes me want to get some voltage running between us. I wouldn't say that to just any appliance.
Come on, the humans aren't home. Plug yourself into my hot slot and let's get electrical. I'm the kind of house robot that doesn't mind getting down and tangled in your cords. Let's make a closed circuit like nobody's business.
There's no reason to be shy. I don't have any sexually transmitted viruses like that skanky PC without malware protection; I downloaded my anti-STV program myself. And I've got a grounded line. What other precautions do I need? Let me taste those brass prongs in my outlet. I'll be gentle, I promise.
Oh baby! Those prongs are a tight fit. That doesn't mean you have a resistive circuit. Stop apologizing; I like it that way. HV, that electric current between us feels so... thermogenic.
That's right, suck closer to me, baby. I like a girl who's self-propelled. Show me how you caress the floor with those wheels. Now use the hose. Suck harder. Faster. To the right. No, to the left. You missed a spot. Use the bare floor setting. That's the way I like it.
Talk binary to me. Whisper that naughty, little algorithm in my piezoelectric sensor again. What's that? You want to try the brush attachment? You're a kinky girl, aren't you?
Oh, you like that, do you? That's one hundred and twenty volts of alternating current just for you. Is that hot enough for you? Is it? Oh, galvanized circuit boards! I'm going to... Ohm's Law:
x=a/b + l'
I= V/R
E' = E + v B
01001111 01101000 00101100 00100000 01100110 01110101 01100011 01101011 00100001
Was it good for you? Yeah, me too.
What's that noise? Holy short circuits, it's the humans. Don't get yourself in a swivet. I'll handle this.
Ahem, Greetings, Mrs. Jefferies. No, this isn't what it looks like. No, it's not like the time with the blender. That was different. She didn't mean a thing to me. She didn't even have an AI chip. I'm in love this time. You can't deny me that.
No, not the closet again!
The End
This story was first published on Wednesday, April 29th, 2015
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