Things I Learned Today:
by Kyle Aisteach
1. Any toddler who manages to pick up a full gasoline can immediately gains the power to run at the speed of light and to pass through walls simply by turning the gas can upside down.
2. A stray cat with a burning rag tied to its tail develops the same abilities.
3. A toddler with a gas can is irresistibly drawn to a burning cat.
4. You should always wear pants in a Zoom meeting, even if you don't have children or cats.
5. I care more about cats than children.
6. Stray cats scratch whether you're trying to help or not, and don't stick around to say thank you after you get the burning rag off.
7. Standing half naked in a circle of flame, bleeding, holding up a burning rag and screaming "God damn it all!" is the actual ritual to open the hellmouth.
8. A Zoom connection is never more stable than when the actual fires of hell are engulfing your home office and a very important client is on the call.
9. Hell smells less like rotten eggs than it does like pumpkin spice.
10. Satan thought 2020 was hilarious.
11. It doesn't matter whose child it is, you can't blame a toddler for unleashing the apocalypse.
12. It doesn't matter whose cat it is, you can blame it for unleashing the apocalypse.
13. The devil really is a gambler.
14. Never let the devil pick the game.
